I’m Out With The Insiders – Tails Of Ye Olde Williamsburg – Safe Haven #2

Published December 27, 2009 by Larry Fisher

Media started to show up as we lined the safes up along Bedford Avenue. New Year’s Eve Hipster stragglers poked their heads in until Sonny dragged his Jackhammer over to the safes. Perhaps it was how loud he was,”Jesus Lenny can we get some music I understand, instead of this make believe crap that these kids make today.”
One of the Elves stood forward,”That’s my band, and I was assured that if I dress in costume that my music would play while the safes were opened.”
I walked over to Steve who was dressed as an Elf,”Look Steve, we will play your music when each safe has been cracked. I will announce your band,”The Vibrating Cocks” at the opening of each safe door. There is going to be alot of noise here in the process of opening each safe, and it is best that you let the old men pick the music.”
“What is it that you old men like to listen to?”
The Black Santa Claus, our only Black Santa Claus named J.J. walked over to the tape player and said,”We like grinding funk.”
Betty Davis singing “Nasty Girl” came on.
Sonny gave J.J. a high five.
Sledgehammers were passed around to all the Junkmen by the other Elves. All the Elves were hired by us Junkmen for the day. We all wanted to hire 20 somethings in order to humiliate them into wearing the Elf costumes…
Ritchie came over to me feeling for his gun in his holster,”Chucky is pulling up with a Devil Costume on. Should I get him out of here?”
“Let me go talk to him.”
Sure enough, Chucky was wearing a Devil costume on,”Listen, I got a bunch of safes that need cracking.”
“Chucky media is here.”
“I don’t care if meat eaters are here. I’m not a Vegetable guy. Let them eat meat. You got an Elf for me to pay to crack these open?”
“I got reporters here from around the world to watch this event.”
“I swear I didn’t steal these safes. These are legitimate safes, I bought at that Hotel Auction.”
I rubbed my chin,”Where?”
“Stay here, I’ll get back to you.”
“I got nowhere to go… Here, here are the receipts.”He handed me crumpled up pieces of paper.
I headed back to the crew who all held weapons out, if I needed back-up.


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