They weren’t going to be happy till I accidentally cut my dick off. That was supposed to happen for the season finale. I wasn’t having any of it. I told the Producer that I shouldn’t cut my dick off till the new season started. I wanted to keep my dick till I at least I had a contract and some cash for my hit Reality Show, “Please Don’t Kill Me Yet.,” a story about how life just chews people up. Everybody knew it was going to be a hit, especially after I started losing body parts in the first episode.
“But you told us, you would give us your all!” Marlene said as if I were breaking her heart.
“Did I not singe my eyebrows off and blow up a finger within minutes of the first episode.”
“Yes, but that was an accident.”
“And did I not, dressed in a gorilla suit get shot at when I went into a bank and robbed it on Halloween?”
“But nothing… As I was bleeding in my gorilla suit, I had to take a bus to the hospital. The bus driver made all the stops on his route. I think you or some network honcho made that driver stop. “
“It wasn’t me. I would never do something like that. The people did love seeing the bus pick up passengers as you bled onto a newspaper you laid on the floor.”
“It was an express bus! All of a sudden, I get on an express bus and it starts making all the local stops. I got on the bus because I knew it would be faster than waiting for an ambulance.
“I have to admit that was curious, but I would never endanger your life. We have a hit on our hands and it would have been a shame if you bled to death.”
“Yeah, well somebody forgot to tell the Security Guard that I was coming in to rob the bank.”
“We couldn’t say anything to the Security Guard, we’re shooting a Reality Show, that would have been unethical.”
“There hasn’t been a single thing real, except for any of my injuries on this show.”
Marlene’s eyes twinkled,”We knew we could count on you, we just need to push something for the season’s climax.”
“Well. losing my dick is not an option.”
“It will be sewed right back on and the surgeon promises you’ll be able to use it within a month.”
“And it will be worth a million bucks.”
“And the Doctor will be able to extend it by 3 to five inches.”
(to be continued… gotta go to school… happy Halloween)