How I Learned To Love Global Weirding With My Hairy Eyeball

Published September 14, 2012 by Larry Fisher

I have been a full time Junkman in New York for 20 years; I buy estates and resell them to Punks, Bohemians, Hipsters, Collectors and especially to Artists  who take ugly things and make them something else, sometimes uglier.

Artists  who have counted on my ability to find good crap include, Raven Schlosberg, Stephen Kroninger, and Dawn Clements… Look them up.

 

 

The shift in weather created problems for me and my business… It used to be called Global Warming but the idiots who don’t want to acknowledge that we keep heating the planet and making the ice cubes melt way up north, keep saying stupid shit like,”Look at how much snow we had…How is that Global Warming?”

So, Global Weirding has taken over as the expression for  a lot of Scientists… You see, the planet is heating up but that doesn’t mean that New York is going to be a tropical paradise just yet… Global Weirding is meant to suggest that weather is not what it used to be. It snows when it isn’t supposed to, tornadoes drop down on New York more frequently. The weather is stranger and stranger: Global Weirding

 

Get it? Global Weirding…Places that used to be moist have dried up like an old cunt and  and dried up deserts are growing corn.

 

So, on December 26th, 2010 when New York started to get hit with 55 and a half inches of snow that winter, the only thing left for me to do was to become an Arms Dealer. Nobody could get in or out of my store… All I kept doing was shoveling snow on top of a wall of snow that was building on the curb…Bloomberg was on Vacation and the City decided not to remove snow because of the holiday…I knew I was done at the store.

In the past, I counted on the 26th of December to start making money… All my College kids would be coming home with fist full of cash from their parents and they were super into my inventory of fun items; counterculture books, rare records, sixties toys, funky clothes.

 

That winter of 2010, I was doomed…I was gonna keel over from shoveling and no one was going to find my frozen heart…and I was alright with that. I have two small kids and Daddy didn’t want to say that he didn’t have money for food…

Anyway, I decided to become an Arms Dealer. I set up a table and made snowballs. I sold them or gave them away to the Puerto Rican kids for a quarter and sold snowballs to the College kids and Hipsters for fifty cents or a  dollar depending on what the market could bring…Money was coming in…I was a bad guy but people were having fun and snowball fights have dwindled over the years… None of my snowballs had ice in it. They were well packed balls of powdery stuff. Unfortunately, Hipsters were only coming out once a day and they were the big target for the Puerto Rican kids… Occassionally, I would get a call for a delivery of snow balls from trust fund kids who wanted to throw snowballs from their terrace apartments. I refused delivery…

 

The Israeli landlords I had would not cut me a break that winter despite the fact that I was Jewish and tried pleading with them in Hebrew. Business over the entire winter was terrible and I couldn’t even get my Van over to the store to do Flea Markets or pick new stuff. I started throwing  parties with free booze to get people into the shop and people were so frozen only the true die hards would come out and drink for free and listen to entertainment. I called these events Psycho Delic Vaudeville… They were fun but I was drowning.

 

I closed the store  in the Spring and started to do Flea Markets and Ebay exclusively…

 

Ebay has not been what it used to be and hasn’t been for years. Ebay is the Devil’s Workshop in that it was a great way to sell good items for a great price but it also stopped people from going on the hunt and buying in my shop or at my stall in the Flea Market. Flea Markets were the true place that people went hunting for collectibles and now with Ebay, the tables were bare of the rare  and the customers no longer felt they need to be there at 4 in the morning or even at 10… The Recession didn’t help things either…

 

People still love cool things, they just don’t need to own it,”I love that thing, let me get a picture of it and put it on my computer. I’m broke.”

This last summer was either so hot or so rainy that Global Weirding stepped into play again. One Saturday it was so hot that I realized that I could cook food on my metal folding flea market table without any other heat source other than the sun… I went to the supermarket and bought bacon, eggs and small hamburgers  and brought it back to the flea market and began cooking under the 100 degree weather. That was fun. Not profitable but fun.  One day my goofiness will pay off, I keep telling myself… What was I supposed to do, cry that my crops weren’t growing when there was no one to buy them anyway?

 

I’m in the business, I’m out of the business. I worked for Corporate America when I was in my twenties for eight years. If I have to do it again, I will. I will do whatever it takes to keep my kids fed and clothed and live a respectful life in Brooklyn. They have it good. They go to Arts and Letters in Clinton Hill and I pick them up everyday and we have fun…
I’m thinking of getting scuba gear and selling it in Brooklyn; eventually parts of New York will be underwater from Global Weirding. Has to happen.  Houses won’t just be economically underwater, they will truly be underwater from the melting glaciers  and there will be treasures to be had .  I’ll be able to go snorkeling for cool stuff  in those abandoned homes. I can’t wait.

Global Weirding…Keeps everybody alert from having their toes stepped on in ways that never was before.

 

 

 

 

 

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One comment on “How I Learned To Love Global Weirding With My Hairy Eyeball

  • “I’m thinking of getting scuba gear and selling it in Brooklyn; eventually parts of New York will be underwater from Global Weirding. Has to happen. ”

    Before opening that scuba store I think you might contact a local university geology department and ask someone about isostatic rebound for the Brooklyn region. Isostatic rebound is the slow uplifting of large areas of land once the weight of the last glaciers was removed due to melting. I think Brooklyn is near a pivot point, the areas to the north are rising, the areas to the south are sinking. Brooklyn itself might still be rising, not sure. Better ask.

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